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  • Writer's pictureV.M. Weisen

Depression... Or Not

I am making progress on the novella and believe I will have the first revision complete by the end of the month. I still haven't decided if I'm going to rewrite book one before going on to book two or not. I'm honestly not sure what the best course is, but I think it would be better to have a good idea of what happens in the first book before writing the second, so that makes me lean towards writing the second draft first.

This week, not only do I have occupational therapy for my hand, but I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm going to be honest, I am dreading this week. One outing a week stresses me out enough, but this week there are too. Clearly, I need to discuss this with my psychiatrist and probably depression.

I think I have a lower level depression, but I'll admit, I struggle to label the less debilitating versions as such. What do normal people feel when they're in a slump? How do healthy people react to the lows I've been told everyone feels. I've never been one to jump in and say, "I'm depressed," and I don't know why. I can usually say, "my anxiety is bothering me," or "I'm getting a little manic," but I always wait too late to call out depression, like it's unacceptable to admit that I'm in a slump.

I think a lot of it does relate back to those "normal" people. I don't understand what it's like to be healthy, so I don't know what an acceptable level of depression is. I had a therapist once who convinced me to get off my meds by saying, "How do you know what you're feeling isn't normal? How can you tell what you're supposed to feel if you're medicating it all away."

What an asshat.

He happened to be seeing me during a good point and failed to consider the fact that I'm bipolar and cycle through moods. He didn't give two shits about that. Though I was doing well when he saw me, I was destined to fall into a severe depression and be made insane by mania. However, at the time, it all made sense, and he completed his biased goals.


I'll admit, at the time, I liked the idea that the meds had done their job and I was better. I liked the idea of only having minor highs and lows like an average person. I went off the meds, and for two years every time I considered getting back on them, the slump or high I was in passed before I could get an appointment.

Until it didnt. Until true mania hit, and I lost my mind. Yes, I am still pissed at that man.

Now I've been on these meds for about half a year, and I need to go back to my doctor and decide if this is the proper dose for me. I don't know. I can't help but feel like, despite having trouble functioning, that it isn't really depression until I can hardly move and the thought of getting up to brush my teeth is enough to make me sob uncontrollably. I'm pretty sure I'm wrong about that.

So this week I'll go to my therapy and work on my hand, and the next day I'll go to my doctor and work on my brain. I don't know what I'll say but surely winging it is a perfectly acceptable plan... right?


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